How MEN play an important role in mothers day...

Today you are going to see lots of posts on social media showing all the woman who are happy and enjoying this day.  But what about those that are hurting today?  You will probably not hear from them but they will from you.  There are many reasons why today is not happy.  Maybe there has been a loss of a mother.  Maybe a loss of a baby.  Maybe a strained relationship with a mother or mother in law.  Maybe it is the fact that they are not being honored and that hurts.  I think people tend to ignore these things because they do not know what to do with them.  It is much easier to just be happy and celebrate the day and sometimes doing that we get caught up and forget that when we are talking to people that Mother's day is complicated. 

I never had a close relationship with my own mother.  She chose other things over loving me or maybe she just was unable to learn to show me healthy love but did love me.  Regardless of the fact, we were not close and I, from a very young age, did not have the mother figure most of you reading had.  I got small flickers of it like a light peeking through a curtain that wanted to be opened to shine bright but that curtain was never opened. 

When I got married I had hoped for a mother in law to fill in some of the space but instead I was given a mother in law who did not accept me and made it clear she did not want me with her son.  She has tried over the years maybe in her own way to love me but again another person unable to extend the healthy love that is needed to make a relationship thrive.  Instead it has been cold and distant and a constant struggle of always feeling unaccepted and rejected.  

I had always dreamed of being a mother some day.  As a little girl I used to think about how it would feel to be a mommy.  I wanted to show the love that I had never had.  I always dreamed of a happy family life like one I did not know.  I wanted to be loved and feel love back.  

Becoming a mom seemed so easy.  When your ready to just get pregnant right?  Well unlike the Hallmark version of my life I had be wanting I continued with the sad tales of pain and rejection.  Dustin and I had been married about 6 years and had enjoyed that time.  Travel and fun.  Growing up a bit together.  I remember talking about when it was TIME.  That word makes me laugh.  Time.  something I learned I had NO control over.  We do try to control it.  Making our decisions on the PERFECT TIMING.  There really is no such thing.  I remember when we decided to start trying.  I will never forget the feeling I had when we told my brother in law at a friends party.  The excitement in my bones.  The butterflies in my stomach.  The zest for a new beginning.  A new chapter.  This was going to be my happy ever after.  This was going to be my Hallmark happy story!  

Well it was not.  It took us 7 years to get pregnant and it was not an easy road at all.  Month after month trying and nothing.  Dr after dr and nothing.  medication after medication and nothing.  layer after layer being peeled back like an onion that never ends and with each one being asked to dig deeper and deeper.  push harder and harder.  It became so exhausting.  To be honest there were days that I just could not breath.  I felt the weight of an elephant on my chest.  I could not hold back the tears.  I did not even know who I was when I looked in the mirror.  I was gone.  I had become so cold.  So lost.  I did not even recognize the girl staring back at me anymore.  How could this be?  Why did this have to happen?  I do not deserve this.  

We ended up finally getting pregnant and at last my Hallmark movie has begun filming!  It was wonderful but not with its bumps and scares.  I watched everything I ate.  I was so nervous about what I did.  I was so scared but so happy!  Having my Haley changed my life.  It was the most incredible experience of my life.  Being pregnant and then holding her in my arms.  It was my new beginning.  My change to make a new meaning of the word mom.  

Fast forward to my 1st mothers day.  This was suppose to be the most happy day to me.  No more being unhappy and sad on this day.  This mother's day I was finally a mom and had something to celebrate.  So I thought.  But no.  That is not how this story goes.  How it goes is that on this day no one.  I mean no one even wished me a happy mothers day.  Not even my husband.  We worried about his mom.  Not because he wanted to but because he felt he needed to or she would get upset.  Constantly worn down by her demands and expectations. It was my encouragement that got us moving to make her day happy.  I did not want her feeling sad and unloved.   So I went shopping for her.  Helped him pick out a gift for her.  Flowers for her.  A card for her.  We went to her house and when I saw her she did not even say happy mothers day to me.  There was a very tense feeling between us.  You could cut it with a knife.  She made it clear that she was not a fan of sharing this day with me.  She had made it clear that she wanted this day to be hers. Her comments.  They were so cold they could make you need a winter coat on a hot August day.  Flashbacks to how she would make it clear she did not want me in her sons life.  I was not good enough.  Not in HER plan.  And so like her husband and my husband usually did.  They followed her lead in order to keep the peace and avoid the backlash and I was ignored completely.  I was beyond devastated.  Not because I wanted it from her or my father in law but my husband.  That wound cut deep.  REAL deep.  I was left holding the wall to make myself feel a little less like spinning.  I could not understand what was happening.  I was so happy.  I finally arrived at this day and this?  Do not get me wrong.  I was happy.  I had my Haley and I alone had a celebration.  I have learned to depend on me my whole life.  I do not put my happiness in others or things.  I have to find it. Within my soul.  My sober soul... I can not even put my happiness in my kids completely because I vow to love them HEALTHY.  I know they will grow up and be who they are and that might not always make me happy and it will make my heart hurt.  But I will be so proud of them.  I will be secure in myself so I can carry on.  I can make them proud.  I can make them not worry about me and making me happy when they should be focused on their happiness.  Not that I want to raise them to be selfish but I want them to know that my security does not come from them having to make a decision completely based on my feelings.  That they will know that doing what is right may not always be about me.  

When I approached my husband about my pain later that night he was upset that I was even mad or hurt.  Telling me that in HIS family they believe that on mothers day you make it about your mom and that I am not his mom so why celebrate me?  Wow what an example of selfish unhealthy love from a mother.  To make her son believe that he is not to celebrate or it is not accepted to celebrate his wife because that day is about your mom (Her only).  You see. This is one way to look at it.  This is why my father in law does not celebrate my mother in law.  But if we want to go to the root of that problem it is because they are loving each other from an unhealthy place.  That answer is the reality they choose to believe to make them feel better for not wanting to celebrate someone they should be.  It is boxing in the word love.  Selfish.  Not selfless.

As a mother I can say that some day when my kids are grown mothers day will not look the same as it will while they are little.  They will grow up and get busy.  They will grow up and be mothers themselves maybe.  Or be struggling to be them.  Or my son will grow up and be a dad and have a wife.  Or a woman who has given him children.  Who knows but the thing is I will honor them as a mother by making it about them.  That is the meaning of a true mother.  A mother that wants to give healthy love.  Give wings to fly.  Wants to give them the gift of encouragement and acceptance to do the right thing in life. we never stop being an example.  We never stop being a teacher.   It will not always be the right thing to just honor me.  This is where being selfless comes in.  This is the hardest part of being a mom.  

So to end this I will say that Dustin has come a long way.  He has realized that my first mothers day was not how in his heart he wanted it to be and how I deserved it to be.  He has not always gotten things right.  Nor have I.  But we strive to continue to grow and work on continuing to extend healthy love to each other.  He is learning how to set boundries with those who do not encourage him in those decisions.   

This is a reminder to all the men out there to take time today and think about this mothers day.  Think about how it may feel to the woman in your life.  Are you honoring them correctly?  Are you being free with your heart and feelings?  Are you hiding?  Are you scared?  If you were to find out that next mothers day would not be.  This was your last chance to make it true.  Make it right.  What would you do different?  Life is complex.  Life is not always Hallmark movie endings.  We have one chance.   Lets spend it showing healthy love to all the woman in your life today.....  

Until next time.....